Dreaming

Completely frozen in horror
My hands moved on their own
Can’t bring myself to speak to explain myself
I cannot for the life of me stop thinking about you
All day, every day under your spell
I just don’t want you to leave
But I’m always waking up
 

Ongoing Haitus; Update on Life and Health

Things have gotten out of hand recently.
Family had to come get me several months back.
I'm now in a wheelchair, I cannot walk but for moments. I cannot take care of myself anymore. I am bedridden.
A lot has happened while I've been here.
It didn't take long for covid to find it's way into this house seeing how my family are all redneck Trump supporters who don't listen very well because they're afraid to have their freedoms taken away.
I did everything I could to warn them, to talk sense to them. No one listened, they laughed. When it hit, it hit hard. People here not only got sick within the sickness, they also wound up the the hospital multiple times and nearly died.
During all of this my dog Sandwich wound up with pancreatitis because no one could take him out and he kept holding it in ): We laid down pee pads for him but he really just wanted to go out. The vet bill hurt really bad, so did the medicine cost but we had to make sure he was okay. He's recovered now, thankfully.
Once I got through covid we found out I've got type two diabetes and hypothyroidism. We did not, however, find out what's causing me to not be able to walk or take care of myself.
Last week someone hacked into my amazon account and spent my money on my card. I was able to file a dispute and get my money back but I just haven't mentally recovered from everything here.
I had to replace my old laptop because it kept dying due to the fan not working anymore. I wiped it and gave it to family. It's a high end laptop but I just can't afford the maintenance on it right now ): The laptop I got runs perfectly. It's not the hoss I gave away and that makes me really sad and sometimes frustrated but at least I can use this in my situation. That's why I got a laptop in the first place-- for when I wind up in situations similar to this.
I haven't managed to draw but twice since I've been here. I couldn't complete anything. I think the fatigue and depression just takes everything out of me.

I've been playing a lot of Wurm. When I'm tired of that I play Rimworld and Starbound. I even recently purchased Fate from the Steam Autumn sale. So when I get tired of those I'll play Fate. I have fond memories of that game from when I was younger.
As for wurm I've been managing two deeds to keep my mind occupied. When I get tired of looking at one I go back to the other. I also go around each linked server feeding everyone's animals they leave at the starter deeds. That way they don't starve to death and I'm helping somehow. 

Second deed - Early stages

We're thinking I'll need to stay here until my lease is up, however, it's not going well in that department because I was supposed to have an application in last month seeing how I need 30 days of warning before moving for my old apartment. I may end up needing to rent storage or something, I'm getting nervous. It's hard to get anyone to take the issue seriously (again).
A friend sent me an article recently about a girl who got covid and wound up in a wheelchair. She just stopped being able to walk. Her story is just like mine-- I just don't know if I had covid earlier and maybe this was my second time catching it? (I did go to the hospital a LOT earlier this year for migraines that just wouldn't leave me alone and I couldn't breathe when I laid down.) She says there are other people like us. When things calm down I'll be looking at the support groups that are available that she sent me. I'll be mentioning it to the neurologist if I ever get to go.
This year has been a dumpster fire. I know this upcoming year wont flip a switch and turn everything around but I do hope it's better than this one.

As for "Are you coming back?" I don't know. I'd like to think this question should be "When are you coming back" But if I get worse I may not be able to.
I can't make art right now and typing takes a lot out of me. Thinking up blogs take a lot out of me. Having to remember everything I'm trying to forget takes a lot out of me. When I move it'll be a different story. I'll keep you updated. But I don't plan on abandoning this place or shutting it down. I put too much work into it and I still have content I want to make.

Ongoing Haitus; Update

 

My condition hasn't gotten any better. I managed to get myself taken back into the ER by another ambulance. This time a nurse was here and called them.
To the left in this photo you can see the bottom of my cane.
I apologize how tattered everything looks, it wasn't a great situation.
The ER still had no idea what was going on. They "stabilized" and released me. 
I've been light headed so much, since I came back, that I can't walk without feeling like I'm about to black out again.
My cardiologist appointment was cancelled due to weather.
Things are very frustrating at the moment.
To be honest at the rate I'm going I can't help but to wonder if I'll whither away.

I do have *some* good news, though.

Not long after my last hospitalization I got help to get my pets taken care of (finally!)

Sandwich got a shaved and clipped nails. One of his nails had curved into his paw ): I was so worried when I found out. The vet said it wasn't bad enough to need any operations or sedation. They clipped everything up and he had such a quick recovery that he wasn't even phased before he got out of the vet's office.

(Apologies for the photo quality, this was the happiest photo though!)
Shortcake finally got "fixed" and had an easy recovery (however I cried like a baby when they took her for surgery, I was so scared and worried).

That being said the babies are finally back in my room with me again and they make me being as ill as I am right now a little better.
Sandwich can normally tell when something is very wrong with me and he gets as close as he can and refuses to leave my side.
Shortcake is constantly coming to check on me to make sure I'm okay.

It's scary right now and everything is very uncertain but at least I have comfort every now and then from these idiots. I'm grateful for that much.

Small Haitus

Friday I had a doctor's appointment.
I convinced my mother to take me because I'm in trouble and need help.

We got up there, they took my info and told me they needed to draw blood.
Drawing blood has always been stressful for me but it's just the initial poke and then I'm fine sitting there. I've always been like that.
But that day was different. That day I told the nurse "I need to lay down, I'm about to faint"
And I did-- but not before I had my first seizure ever.

When I came out of the seizure I passed out four times, one after another, seconds apart.
When I woke up I could hear my mother panicking saying "That was a seizure, wasn't it!? She seized!?" But I was in and out after that.

When I came to a bit more I was in an ambulance being escorted to the ER from the doctor's office.

I spent the night at the hospital.

They sent me home yesterday evening.

I'm still not myself. My heart is even weaker than before, my brain isn't functioning correctly and I have to nap a lot after trivial things like eating. Typing is a lot right now.

I received no answers from them other than I had a seizure and vasovagal syncope (apparently this is why I faint when I get shots- but doesn't explain why I don't normally get it when getting blood drawn)

I'll most likely be quiet here for the next week. I apologize.

Henbit

This isn't my photo sadly.

This particular flower is called "henbit" and apparently it's a weed ):
I used to squat down outside as a toddler and pick one of these a day and pull it really close to my eyes and study it. I always thought they all looked like birds emerging from a nest and that fascinated me.
Now every time I see one it makes me feel small again and it's bittersweet heartache.
I know they're weeds but I wish I just had a small garden of them. I wonder if they'd be easy to care for.

Green Bear

When I was a toddler I'd visit my great grandmother while my mother went to work.

She's a big influence on why I love most of the things that I love. She kept me company and talked to me but most of the time she would sit quietly and allow me to wander around and get into things. Her house was a marvel to explore and she had so many items that I had never seen before, smells I had never smelled before. It was like visiting another land.
My favourite toy, however, was a small green bear that she would leave in the kitchen on a display stand at the very bottom where I could reach it. I never asked who it belonged to. All I knew was "That's a tiny bear" "That's a green bear" "That bear needs to be picked up" and there was never dispute over it.
I'm not sure who named the bear "Green Bear" but that's what we both called it. If I visited her, no matter what I was getting into, I needed Green Bear on my adventure with me, even if he was just quietly holding my hand while I walked around exploring.
While I was drawing this cutie I thought about him a lot so here they are: Green Bear.

Self Couple's Portrait

Sometimes when I feel low I draw circles. Depending on how low I feel the flatter they become. The more flimsy my lines are. While drawing them I felt inclined to give a body to one. For some reason, the tall one reminded me of my fiance so I only found it natural to attempt to draw a fitting representation of myself beside him.

Old

I daydream a lot about being old.
Ever since I was little I liked everything that old people do.
I like that they collect plastic containers that they store in cabinets that they never use.
Their excess in batteries.
The alarming rate of flowers in their home.
How they just stop caring and start wearing nothing but comfortable things.
How they just magically know how to be amazing at sewing/knitting.
Quilts. Quilts. Everywhere. Abundance of fabric quilts-- yarn quilts-- all the most amazingly amazing comfort you've ever felt when cuddled.
Food. And how they just already know the best recipes for the oldest ideas that were about quality and not quantity. /dies coughing/ BUTTERMILK PIE /coughcoughcough/
Naps.
The smell of dusty things.
Old, thin, worn fabric of things they've had for years.
Grey hair. Yes. Grey and white hair is amazing to me. I have grey strands in my hair and I'm always so upset when people want to dye them.

I want to be an old lady. An old cat lady, maybe. One with all kinds of pillows all over her house. One with really strange collections displayed everywhere. Maybe cloth patch-work ducks or something lol
I think if someone asked me if I wanted to be old when I was a kid I would have had sparkled in my eyes. Like-- "I CAN BE THAT INSTEAD OF A GROWNUP?" (Don't get me wrong. I miss being a child sometimes but even then everything was just such a struggle for me. And I'm so aware that when I'm old I'll miss being young.)

I'm already most of these right now. I know these things don't define old people lol I know, I know. They're just qualities about them that I love.

I think I want this so much because I'm tired of life. I'm tired of the nervous breakdowns. I'm tired of the PTSD. I'm tired of the expectations. I just want to be old. I want to be old with a husband that wants to be old too. I want to be old with him and our three hundred and two cats-- and our world record collection of useless plastic tubs.
I want to be yelling at each other three rooms over about something really casual and eventually have it grow into name-calling and telling each other to shut the hell up.

This life. This life here isn't for me. I don't think it ever was. I think old was where I needed to be.
I am tired. I'm going to sleep now. It's 1am. I'll schedule this to upload at 3pm my time.

Temporary Absence

Explanation here: www.instagram.com/p/BhSBsarDya…
Temp activity here: www.instagram.com/king_pepofae…
Twitch: www.twitch.tv/kingpepofaec

ATTENTION FOR TWITCH VISITORS:
Feel free to visit and watch me die horribly in rimworld. Heavily modded for extra content. However, I will NOT be in the window. I will not see you. I will not see you talk. I do not have a mic on. It's literally just dropping by to watch me get slaughtered.

Explanation Mostly TL;DR
PTSD flare-up. Had a longer written response but dA decided to pop up a link right as I was clicking on the comments section and I lost all of that. Thanks dA. Dick.
"When will you be back?" Probably a week- two tops. This isn't new and happens more than I like to talk about. But when the flare-ups happen- I duck out.

Cozy

Something about waking up to things like this makes me happy. Maybe the perfect amount of light in contrast with the shadows- or how everything reminds me of what “home” used to feel like before it all went to hell.
In any case, it sucks far less to wake up when everything seems so peaceful and pleasant.
Even after a rough night. 😊

It’s Cold

Took a Gatorade outside with me in my pocket since I just woke up. Came back inside and it was frozen. We weren’t outside for very long at all- wat

He liked my music

I got a new oversized sweater and I'm completely obsessed with it

I've sat here with my face smashed in my desk all day and pacing back and forth in the kitchen not knowing what the hell to do with myself so this is my desperate attempt to chill out.
TinierMe maker has some goddamned good ideas. I've decided to keep this as a personal representation.

WIP because I have shit focus however scribbles are okay as long as I don't mind spending hours and hours just trying to get them right. I'll fix everything later- legs are too thin, too short, folds are wrong, hand is gross etc etc etc

Furniture Update

Forgive the mess x.x it’s been raining really hard so I had a trash bag stored on the patio. I haven’t quite gotten to it today yet. However looooook! My furniture came today and it’s so old and perfect I love it!
I will never deny that I’m an old lady when it comes to decorating. I love love loved my great grandmother’s taste when I was growing up. Anything old or tin cans filled with candy, things that smell dusty and the like make me so super happy!
Things are finally starting to slow down a tiny bit. I still have to conquer getting on the bus to go to the grocery store before I starve. Also laundry x.x because dragging everything you own by foot around a huge building into a place you’ve never been around people you pray don’t make eye contact or talk to you because of your ptsd is terrifying. Ill get there otl
As for things owed, when things have been ironed out in those departments I’ll drop an update here with a wip image for you. Thank you for being patient during my move.

Oreo Pocky

Time to try these bad boys ouo
//Edit//
Meh? Preferences would be strawberry then oreo then chocolate so far.

Vent

I had a very bad day today. It started out very calm and relaxed then my boyfriend came home. He was having an awful day so it rubbed off on me. Then the night ended in a very silent unspoken argument and he abruptly stopped off the face of the world in a way he doesn’t normally. Something was very wrong, I could tell.
So I’ve had time to think about this.
There is a poison in my life right now that I keep getting whiff of.
One that I’m still having a hard time coming to terms with.
I think this might be the decline of our relationship because of that.. But I guess we’ll just see.. Im really torn up and crushed right now but I also know that I tend to over think things even if I am picking up on something.
I feel very lost right now. So I downloaded wurm again.
I’m not sure if I’ll stay there but I couldn’t do anything but just sit there in shock feeling like someone was standing on my chest.
Either way. My heart hurts really bad right now because of something that was both said and unsaid and I think I need everything to stop for a moment and just hide.
It makes me wanna curl up into a ball and die.
Psa: I don’t care how bad someone feels. If they care about you they won’t drag you down to their level and leave you there. I keep hearing in my mind “your significant other is supposed to make your life better, not worse” when I have moments like these.
The only thing that’s kept me fighting against all of this might have washed away tonight from a single photo. A photo that was sent out of misguided trust.
I apologise for the tldr post. I feel like I can’t talk about this to anyone.
The only other closest friend I normally confide in has decided to go on a hermitage.
I know it’s possible I’ll get a few “dm me” or “you can talk to me anytime” and I appreciate those but I can’t… Not really. My anxiety only let’s me trust so many people and it takes ages to become comfortable with people enough now to get everything off my chest. Shouting into the void about my issues feels safer for some stupid reason.
I already had a million other problems I was trying to deal with.. I don’t need a breakup to top it off..

Out-Of-Town Break

Shopping Haul

I needed a book to start journalling in and shortcake knocked my water bottle off the desk shortly before we moved and broke a tiny piece off that was holding the lid onto it so I picked those two up today. While my mother was shopping for her a few new clothes I kept crossing this patch of air that smelled so good but I couldn’t initially find where it was coming from. I’m sure I looked like an idiot smelling everything in the store but eventually, I found it. “Gardenia Citro”. I felt bad getting it but I couldn’t take my face out of it. So as many times as I tried to talk myself out of it I finally just went and got it anyways otl
The book is so nice. It has canvas pages 88 I’ve always wanted one but I’ve never seen them unless it was online

Nest

Today my mother helped me out by taking me to a second-hand shop. I found super amazing things there including these things and a couch with a matching chair all for 100 bucks iAi I’m so happy! It’s all used but a. I’ve been using used things all of my life and b. It’s so much better than losing all of my check on a single piece of furniture @.@
Now I just need a cute coffee table and I’ll be all set 😍💕

Where?

When you find torn up toilet paper when your restroom is locked up tight

Bird Feeder

Finally got my bird feeder hung up. Do birds even use these in the winter?