Old

I daydream a lot about being old.
Ever since I was little I liked everything that old people do.
I like that they collect plastic containers that they store in cabinets that they never use.
Their excess in batteries.
The alarming rate of flowers in their home.
How they just stop caring and start wearing nothing but comfortable things.
How they just magically know how to be amazing at sewing/knitting.
Quilts. Quilts. Everywhere. Abundance of fabric quilts-- yarn quilts-- all the most amazingly amazing comfort you've ever felt when cuddled.
Food. And how they just already know the best recipes for the oldest ideas that were about quality and not quantity. /dies coughing/ BUTTERMILK PIE /coughcoughcough/
Naps.
The smell of dusty things.
Old, thin, worn fabric of things they've had for years.
Grey hair. Yes. Grey and white hair is amazing to me. I have grey strands in my hair and I'm always so upset when people want to dye them.

I want to be an old lady. An old cat lady, maybe. One with all kinds of pillows all over her house. One with really strange collections displayed everywhere. Maybe cloth patch-work ducks or something lol
I think if someone asked me if I wanted to be old when I was a kid I would have had sparkled in my eyes. Like-- "I CAN BE THAT INSTEAD OF A GROWNUP?" (Don't get me wrong. I miss being a child sometimes but even then everything was just such a struggle for me. And I'm so aware that when I'm old I'll miss being young.)

I'm already most of these right now. I know these things don't define old people lol I know, I know. They're just qualities about them that I love.

I think I want this so much because I'm tired of life. I'm tired of the nervous breakdowns. I'm tired of the PTSD. I'm tired of the expectations. I just want to be old. I want to be old with a husband that wants to be old too. I want to be old with him and our three hundred and two cats-- and our world record collection of useless plastic tubs.
I want to be yelling at each other three rooms over about something really casual and eventually have it grow into name-calling and telling each other to shut the hell up.

This life. This life here isn't for me. I don't think it ever was. I think old was where I needed to be.
I am tired. I'm going to sleep now. It's 1am. I'll schedule this to upload at 3pm my time.