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Thursday, August 27, 2020

Ongoing Haitus; Update


My condition hasn't gotten any better. I managed to get myself taken back into the ER by another ambulance. This time a nurse was here and called them.
To the left in this photo you can see the bottom of my cane.
I apologize how tattered everything looks, it wasn't a great situation.
The ER still had no idea what was going on. They "stabilized" and released me. 
I've been light headed so much, since I came back, that I can't walk without feeling like I'm about to black out again.
My cardiologist appointment was cancelled due to weather.
Things are very frustrating at the moment.
To be honest at the rate I'm going I can't help but to wonder if I'll whither away.

I do have *some* good news, though.

Not long after my last hospitalization I got help to get my pets taken care of (finally!)

Sandwich got a shaved and clipped nails. One of his nails had curved into his paw ): I was so worried when I found out. The vet said it wasn't bad enough to need any operations or sedation. They clipped everything up and he had such a quick recovery that he wasn't even phased before he got out of the vet's office.

(Apologies for the photo quality, this was the happiest photo though!)
Shortcake finally got "fixed" and had an easy recovery (however I cried like a baby when they took her for surgery, I was so scared and worried).

That being said the babies are finally back in my room with me again and they make me being as ill as I am right now a little better.
Sandwich can normally tell when something is very wrong with me and he gets as close as he can and refuses to leave my side.
Shortcake is constantly coming to check on me to make sure I'm okay.

It's scary right now and everything is very uncertain but at least I have comfort every now and then from these idiots. I'm grateful for that much.

Sunday, July 19, 2020

Small Haitus

Friday I had a doctor's appointment.
I convinced my mother to take me because I'm in trouble and need help.

We got up there, they took my info and told me they needed to draw blood.
Drawing blood has always been stressful for me but it's just the initial poke and then I'm fine sitting there. I've always been like that.
But that day was different. That day I told the nurse "I need to lay down, I'm about to faint"
And I did-- but not before I had my first seizure ever.

When I came out of the seizure I passed out four times, one after another, seconds apart.
When I woke up I could hear my mother panicking saying "That was a seizure, wasn't it!? She seized!?" But I was in and out after that.

When I came to a bit more I was in an ambulance being escorted to the ER from the doctor's office.

I spent the night at the hospital.

They sent me home yesterday evening.

I'm still not myself. My heart is even weaker than before, my brain isn't functioning correctly and I have to nap a lot after trivial things like eating. Typing is a lot right now.

I received no answers from them other than I had a seizure and vasovagal syncope (apparently this is why I faint when I get shots- but doesn't explain why I don't normally get it when getting blood drawn)

I'll most likely be quiet here for the next week. I apologize.

Thursday, July 16, 2020


My fiance and I have been playing Satisfactory recently.
It's not my type of game but I don't mind gathering/hoarding resources from the wild so he does all the factory type stuff and I bring plants/wood/natural materials back to help him unlock technologies.
Normally I stay at the base and micromanage everything, he goes out and braves the wild, so it's a pretty big reversal.

I don't get a lot of joy out of the type of game it is, admittedly, I'm more of a natural/medieval type of crafting/building game. Space/Futuristic is always so jarring and off-putting to me.
I just wanna nestle into a comfortable, peaceful hidey-hole and forget about my traumas.

What I *have* learned about this game is that it has no right to be as pretty as it is.
The world building, graphics and mapping makes up for anything that makes me feel like I'm way too far away from my comfort zone.

This particular set of images was taken after a long long long trek home from an adventure gone awry lol but that's how most of our adventures are. We get lost, stuck then fall to our deaths losing our inventories while one of us waits for the other to find us again to recover their things or we try to get back while carrying as much as we can without dying as well and losing both of our inventories in the process.

The past few days have been overly traumatic for me and I'm not ready to talk about it.
There's been a lot of tears, hyperventilating, over stressing and I'm currently just hiding in my games unable to create anything. And that's okay.

We haven't played Satisfactory in a couple days, we're shooting for today. I think we both just really needed a break to decompress after everything that happened.

If things go well and we play I'll try to take some more screenshots to share here. If not I'll show you the disaster I'm playing around with on Rimworld or other games. We'll see.

Saturday, July 11, 2020

Health Update

Old photo is old but I'd rather start my life update entries out with an image and all of the images that I have right now are currently top secret because I'm working on a project with other people oxo

Okay so. News. Here we go.

December-ish I started having frequent migraines that interfered with me doing anything at all. They'd literally shut me down and I'd have to go to sleep to survive them.
I went to the hospital a few times because of how unbearable they were.
They were all really traumatic.

Feb rolls around and it hadn't been too long since I went to the hospital about another migraine and my heart starts doing this terrifying thing that lands me on the floor and in an ambulance.

The day after I get back from the ER visit for it I can't walk. I can- but I walk like an old lady and I can't stand for very long. Breathing is difficult. Lifting anything is impossible.

Trash starts piling up, gnats are everywhere, I basically live in a dumpster. I can't cook for myself. I'm killing myself trying to just cross the road to walk my dog, stand there dying from pain, and walk back again. Several times I literally have to sit down on the cement to compose myself and gain my breath back again. Another time I almost fell in the middle of the road. All because the kitchen is already a wreck and I don't want my doggo stuck in a place of his own waste if I stop taking him out.

I am in my own hell.

I talk to my caseworker about the issue. I'm up to my ears in stress and hopelessness.
No one really helps or understands.

I give up.
I call my insurance and take a risk. Ask them, knowing that I'm still too young and have no actual diagnosis for what's wrong with me-- if they can send me in-home-help/nursing.

We push it for weeks. In the first couple of weeks, the system just isn't accepting my request. The lady managing my case is lovely and fights for me.

A couple of days ago a lady shows up at my door and comes in to talk with me (with a mask! I also never open my door for any reason without one on as well)

She looks at the place, she speaks with me and tells me she'll get permanent staff to help me as soon as she can- it'll take a week or two at most.

I can't get over how happy I am. I've felt trapped for so long. It's finally happening.
I don't have to order food anymore and keep putting on this weight because it's literally all I can do to eat. I literally couldn't just walk back and forth from the kitchen or stand there and make something for myself let alone do dishes so I've just been piling the weight on and I hate it- it makes me hate food and myself.

They'll be cooking for me, doing my laundry, vacuuming, helping me bathe, the whole deal until I can get myself fixed-- if I can-- god I hope I can x.x

I've also been helping a friend develop a species for a discord they have planned. I have lots of art I *could* share but nothing has been released yet so I'm having to hold off, I apologize.

I've done a bit of character concepts and have found that I'm enjoying pushing environmental concepts as well. I'm not getting paid for anything so it's good practice for me and I don't feel like I'm letting anyone down if I miss a few.

The moment I'm able to I'll release them here.

Tuesday, July 7, 2020


Made a quick shop image for discord. Will probably eventually change it to something else but I figured I represent myself most so here's me being awful at 3AM
(I literally haven't touched a donut in months so idk- I just like donuts)

Today was bleh. I mean- it started out okay.
Home help paid me a visit... while I was asleep..
I missed their visit. They left a card for me. In my defense I had no idea they even knew I existed yet. They could have at *least* called me first. 'Specially since they're visiting from a city or so away.

I spoke to my mother for a while on the phone because I'm sending her my Wii. I don't use it anymore. I bought it to play with her and my brother. My brother played with me twice, my mother never played with me (even  though I literally bought like six games just so we'd have something to do together).

I left myself on hot mic and my fiance heard the details of what my heart is putting me through all at once in full detail and it ruined the rest of his night. He was very short with me and turned in early so he could stop thinking about everything and sleep it off. He doesn't deal well with anxiety.

I've just been sitting here ever since in the wake of things feeling guilty.