Dreaming

Completely frozen in horror
My hands moved on their own
Can’t bring myself to speak to explain myself
I cannot for the life of me stop thinking about you
All day, every day under your spell
I just don’t want you to leave
But I’m always waking up
 

Satisfactory

My fiance and I have been playing Satisfactory recently.
It's not my type of game but I don't mind gathering/hoarding resources from the wild so he does all the factory type stuff and I bring plants/wood/natural materials back to help him unlock technologies.
Normally I stay at the base and micromanage everything, he goes out and braves the wild, so it's a pretty big reversal.

I don't get a lot of joy out of the type of game it is, admittedly, I'm more of a natural/medieval type of crafting/building game. Space/Futuristic is always so jarring and off-putting to me.
I just wanna nestle into a comfortable, peaceful hidey-hole and forget about my traumas.

What I *have* learned about this game is that it has no right to be as pretty as it is.
The world building, graphics and mapping makes up for anything that makes me feel like I'm way too far away from my comfort zone.

This particular set of images was taken after a long long long trek home from an adventure gone awry lol but that's how most of our adventures are. We get lost, stuck then fall to our deaths losing our inventories while one of us waits for the other to find us again to recover their things or we try to get back while carrying as much as we can without dying as well and losing both of our inventories in the process.

The past few days have been overly traumatic for me and I'm not ready to talk about it.
There's been a lot of tears, hyperventilating, over stressing and I'm currently just hiding in my games unable to create anything. And that's okay.

We haven't played Satisfactory in a couple days, we're shooting for today. I think we both just really needed a break to decompress after everything that happened.

If things go well and we play I'll try to take some more screenshots to share here. If not I'll show you the disaster I'm playing around with on Rimworld or other games. We'll see.

Cardlife

My fiance and I decided to try out cardlife.
I can't say that right now it has enough content, to be honest. However, the customization system was adorable. My fiance took a screenshot for me of my armour so I could share it with everyone (and because I couldn't see it, myself)

Hedge

My fiance recently grabbed this baby up from me because he fell in love with her.
Tonight while he was playing games with his friends he had another seizure..
He's far away from me at the moment. I worry a lot about him when he gets like this.
I know he has good people to look after him when it happens but it's not just that. I worry about how it makes him feel.
I can always tell it eats him alive that he's got so little control when something that scary happens to him.
I drew this for him while he was trying to re-situate himself after the paramedics left.
It seemed to take his mind off things for a moment and that's all that mattered.

:I This is the first time I've tried to draw hedgehogs out of doodle form. Normally mine were made of dots. o.o'''' I've still got a little ways to go it seems ono oops.

Self Couple's Portrait

Sometimes when I feel low I draw circles. Depending on how low I feel the flatter they become. The more flimsy my lines are. While drawing them I felt inclined to give a body to one. For some reason, the tall one reminded me of my fiance so I only found it natural to attempt to draw a fitting representation of myself beside him.

Old

I daydream a lot about being old.
Ever since I was little I liked everything that old people do.
I like that they collect plastic containers that they store in cabinets that they never use.
Their excess in batteries.
The alarming rate of flowers in their home.
How they just stop caring and start wearing nothing but comfortable things.
How they just magically know how to be amazing at sewing/knitting.
Quilts. Quilts. Everywhere. Abundance of fabric quilts-- yarn quilts-- all the most amazingly amazing comfort you've ever felt when cuddled.
Food. And how they just already know the best recipes for the oldest ideas that were about quality and not quantity. /dies coughing/ BUTTERMILK PIE /coughcoughcough/
Naps.
The smell of dusty things.
Old, thin, worn fabric of things they've had for years.
Grey hair. Yes. Grey and white hair is amazing to me. I have grey strands in my hair and I'm always so upset when people want to dye them.

I want to be an old lady. An old cat lady, maybe. One with all kinds of pillows all over her house. One with really strange collections displayed everywhere. Maybe cloth patch-work ducks or something lol
I think if someone asked me if I wanted to be old when I was a kid I would have had sparkled in my eyes. Like-- "I CAN BE THAT INSTEAD OF A GROWNUP?" (Don't get me wrong. I miss being a child sometimes but even then everything was just such a struggle for me. And I'm so aware that when I'm old I'll miss being young.)

I'm already most of these right now. I know these things don't define old people lol I know, I know. They're just qualities about them that I love.

I think I want this so much because I'm tired of life. I'm tired of the nervous breakdowns. I'm tired of the PTSD. I'm tired of the expectations. I just want to be old. I want to be old with a husband that wants to be old too. I want to be old with him and our three hundred and two cats-- and our world record collection of useless plastic tubs.
I want to be yelling at each other three rooms over about something really casual and eventually have it grow into name-calling and telling each other to shut the hell up.

This life. This life here isn't for me. I don't think it ever was. I think old was where I needed to be.
I am tired. I'm going to sleep now. It's 1am. I'll schedule this to upload at 3pm my time.

Conversations With Adam

(Me linking Adam my art from 13 years ago)

Me: Do you know what you’re looking at?
Adam: Your old art?
Me: 13 years ago.
Adam: Bless your heart- you were 73 back then.

He liked my music

I got a new oversized sweater and I'm completely obsessed with it

I've sat here with my face smashed in my desk all day and pacing back and forth in the kitchen not knowing what the hell to do with myself so this is my desperate attempt to chill out.
TinierMe maker has some goddamned good ideas. I've decided to keep this as a personal representation.

WIP because I have shit focus however scribbles are okay as long as I don't mind spending hours and hours just trying to get them right. I'll fix everything later- legs are too thin, too short, folds are wrong, hand is gross etc etc etc